I have literally no idea what has happened in my life over the past few months. It has felt a bit like I am living in the twilight zone. I keep expecting to look over and see that famous phonebooth to get me out of here. It has been filled with feelings of loneliness and an incredible sadness. Feelings of stupidity and confusion. Feelings of knowledge and acceptance. Yet, I am hopeful that on the other side of the heartache there will be sunshine and waterfalls and peace…especially peace.
We all have these times in our lives and it is important to remember that all of our trials in this life are temporary. They will all pass and, it is likely, that there will be lessons learned that will take us to a better version of ourselves. At least, that is what I like to believe and live.
It is Friday, the 13th, so it is fitting that I let people into my darkness of the past few months. Some may know that I have had a very confusing and tumultuous romantic relationship, off and on, for the past several years. I plan to dig more into this as time progresses into the future, because I truly believe that there is an avenue in this to help others by shining a light. Anyway, around mid-July, I was surrounded by love. All of his kids, my kids and his grandkids were all here. We enjoyed each other’s company. We got a family picture with everyone in it, the last one before his son becomes a father himself, and I was incredibly proud of each and every human in it. I believed, in that moment, that life was good.
A matter of days later…my dog died and a few days after that, a man that (at that time) I believed loved me, moved out. Some women get flowers when their dog of 12 years passes away. I got a trial of my faith. I will be stronger in the end. My testimony has been immovable through this. I have learned that I have more friends than I gave myself credit for. I have learned that I have the most amazing coworkers and boss. I have seen my kids stand strong and walk proud. I am being reminded that I will be with myself for eternity, regardless of the agency of others, so I need to remember to give myself grace and to nurture my soul. I need to discover new talents and interests and nourish and honor established ones.
I just want anyone else who is going through anything similar to know that they are not in the fight alone. When you wake up in the morning and don’t know how you can possibly force yourself to get up, get dressed and go to work…take a deep breath and count to three and take the first step. I don’t know how many days I am going to have to give myself the pep talk before it becomes easier…but I know one thing…I will keep giving it. I’m pretty sure that I can do this…and you know what??? SO CAN YOU!!
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